Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Acceptance

When it storms, the rain comes down hard.....it thunders, lightens even, tree branches break, sometimes even trees fall, large ones too. Then the storm starts to calm down, it continue to rain, but then it slows down, then it stops. The sun comes out, trees get greener, birds sing a new song, and your path seem a little clearer.


After you go through the hurt, the pain, the anger, and even the rage, you start to look at life for what it is; A Bowl of Experiences. If I hadn't gone through what I went through, would I still be the person I am today? If I hadn't experienced what I experienced, would I have learned that lesson anyway.

Trails come and trails may go, they enter into our lives to make us stronger. Where they lead us no one knows, but the path it takes us down leads us to this glorious crown.

There will always be bumps in the road called life. These bumps are a part of the process. I was once told to change the things I can change accept the things I can't and have the wisdom to know the difference. We can't change our past, so why dwell on it. We can't change other people, how they feel about us, what they say about us. Really it's none of our business anyway what they say, think, or how they feel. It's their feelings, they own that not us!

All we really have control over is our behavior, what we add to our relationships, and what we think, feel and say about others.

I've learned to accept my past, not make excuses for it. I wasn't a bad person, but my behavior was bad, and even though I may have been justified then, I am not now if I continue to behave that way. I have learned to accept who I was and who I am now.

Learn to be in the moment, and let go.

Life

LIfe isn't about waiting for the storm to pass....
It's about learning how to dance in the rain!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Pain

When you get a paper cut....it hurts, but you can't see the cut. Sometimes God turns our life upside down so we can live it right side up. During the upside down times, we experience this thing called pain. Pain is weird, it is the strongest point of emotion that creeps up on you, that you never see coming.

When I was a kid I was hurt, but that's not what turned me cold and bitter. It was the pain I felt. The pain creeped up on me slowly, and as time went on, it got stronger and stronger. The stronger it got the more I acted out. The more I acted out, the stronger I felt the pain....and then one day it stopped! It had come to a halt. I didn't know if I was happy or sad, anger, or mad. All I knew was I had to stand still.....and so I did.

Pain, had defind who I was, where I was going, and who I would let in. Pain had been my friend, and now I had to say goodbye to pain.



My Name unknown

My name unknown
I sit alone watching the dark clouds go by
I watch and watch thinking about the reason why?

Why he left, why he stayed, why things ended this way....but
my name unknown

My name unknown
I sit and soone
looking for the one who owns,
owns my heart, and owns my soul
own the things that I know.....
The one who will be there, the one who will care,
the one who laughs and the one who shares.
The one who will sit and chat with no lies
But my name, Unknown

My name unknown
I guess you know
I want so many things that are near and dear
close to my heart as you can see, that's where I want you to be.....

until then

MY NAME-UNKNOWN!

Nikki T.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Hurt

I was hurt, and the pain was unbearable. He had hurt me, I cried, I cried for help, no one came, no one was there. I laid there thought about it I knew I was alone. NO one came, NO one cared; but I got over it, I'm ok....right? or is that pain?

We as adults follow the same process, but only each stage is longer and we add additional steps. We get hurt by something (childhood memories, adult pain). We cry, get angry until the pain is unbearable, then we lay there think about what happened, how much we hurt, and we get angry again!

There's a secret hiding place that lies deep inside of us. No one knows how we get there, but once were there it takes a while to get out.



I sat down today

I sat down today not knowing what to do
where were my shoes, I had no clue

I sat down today, not knowing what to feel
was I hurt, is this pain, was this real......

I sat down today feeling kind of sad
never really wanted it to be this bad

I said good-bye to today
feeling real down

I was hurt, I was in pain, I was a shame of the fear.
I had been pushed, I had been pulled, I had been thrown around
I had lost my royal crown.

I sat down today feeling kind....what's that shame....pain, hurt, real

oh I know....I know what it is....

I felt it today....

Finally.......that moment is here!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Doubt

I do not trust you because I doubt you know best, have my best interest at heart, or know what you are doing. I fear what I don't know, so I doubt you again. The pain in my heart is too strong so I, now have a hard time believing you, I doubt you love me.........

and the list goes on.

Doubt is formed from fear, and fear is formed from distrust. Distrust becomes the distant cousin on the opposite side of honesty, faith, and love.

"I thought God left me, I didn't believe he loved me anymore. How could he had let this happen to me? He told me that if I put my trust in him, he would keep me, but instead he let him hurt me! NOW I hate life, I HATE me, I HATE the pain that's in my heart, the way I feel, the sadness, the darkness, I doubt I will ever get out of here."
insert from the book

Fairytales

He said it was going to last forever,
forever and a day,
that's what he said.
If I only had listen to him I would be happy today.
Only if I hadn't cried I would be saved.
Only if I had payed more attention to the outside world
only then, wouldn't I have still laid?

I regret the feelings inside
I regret the times I side
I regret the ignorance that I had inside the pain it lead if I hadn't died.....

But now I know what I know too late....

He said it was going to last forever,
forever and a day-that's what he said!

but it was nothing but a fairytale
nothing but a dream

until tomorrow until we meet again
until;

it will still be nothing but a fairytale!

by Nikki T.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Fear

We wonder, question, and look back. Why?

Why is it so hard to be real, and just enjoy the moment. I was once told that when the body's organs are not "100%" up to pare the body will try to protect it self by developing fat around the weak area as a protection. That's what we do with our hearts. We grow fat around our heart so we can protect it from the world. Depending on at which stage in life we are ready to loose the fat, will determine how far back we look, how much we wonder, and how many questions we ask.

I was once told to stop looking for acceptance from others. What that person didn't know, or understand, was that I didn't know how to stop. That was how I protected myself, my heart. I was once told to let go, and so I did.........

Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Truth

When I got on the train today, I thought about how many people were running late for work. Who would rush into work, and who would lie about what happened before they got to work. I started looking into the eyes of my train mates and started wondering. What is her story, what is his; and if I asked them, would they tell me the truth or would it be their embellished account of what happened.

We look at our lives and we pick apart all the things we did wrong. We look at what was done wrong to us, or we try to explain what our true measure of success is. Why?

Embellishment, makes us feel better. If our mate leaves us we tell a story, mainly to get us through the pain. If a parent decides to live a different life outside of us, or have a different lifestyle we will tell ourselves stories to get us through the pain.

We tell stories to get us through the pain, but are the stories real? Or are these stories a depiction of how we feel it should have happen; what should have been. Our stories get us the attention we desire, the love we need, and the ease we are looking for, for the pain in our heart to go away.

The Guy in the Glass

by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934


When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,

And the world makes you King for a day,

Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,

And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,

Who judgement upon you must pass.

The feller whose verdict counts most in your life

Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,

For he's with you clear up to the end,

And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test

If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,

And think you're a wonderful guy,

But the man in the glass says you're only a bum

If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,

And get pats on the back as you pass,

But your final reward will be heartaches and tears

If you've cheated the guy in the glass.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Honesty

The hardest thing do, is to stand in front of a mirror, naked, and like what you see!

The scariest thing to do, is to close your eyes and and fly blind.

E
veryone remembers the day after, I remember the day before. I went to church that morning so excited because I was getting baptized. I had on a white robe, no shoes and a towel. I was told that when I entered into the water, the old person would stay there and the new one would emerge. They had won me over, I couldn't wait! By noon it was done, and by 1 we were on our way back home for Sunday dinner. Everyone was so happy for me, I was excited and I felt good about myself. I went to bed that night, with a smile on my face. I felt so close to God. So close I swore he kissed me that night. When I got up the next morning I looked for the prettiest skirt I had. I put it on with my best initial sweater; it was so cute it was cream with blue writing "NDT" with the T in the middle being the largest. I looked like the perfect Catholic school girl, even though by now I was in public school. I went to school, very different that day. I smiled all day, sat perfectly in my chair, listen to my instruction, and walked to my sitter's house with my friends. Life was perfect until the day after. It was the day after that changed my life forever. It was the day after that made me so mad at God, but more importantly, it was the day after that we split into two.
I question that day. I had always asked myself why, even though, no matter how bad it was, I didn't know didn't know if it change my life for good or for bad......all I know....it changed me!

i
nsert from the upcoming book......
Nelson Mandela once quoted:
'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so
that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.'

Writing has been a life long dream of mine. I am birthing this baby!