Emotional Moments

It's been difficult pushing past all the hurt and pain.  You know how you want to get to the other side, can see yourself on the other side, know that there's greatness on the other side but you're in the middle and you're pushing through.  The middle is the hardest place to be.  The middle is where your strength lies, truth dwells, and courage is born.  Friend's support become your strength, their encouragement become your hope, and their cheers become your chat for a better tomorrow.

Personally I'm pushing through, and emotional as it may be I  know greater is on the other side. It sucks to be at the end of the middle point.  All check points but one covered.  Learning to love again, trust again, and feel safe again is the freedom I'm going after.  Personally I'm learning new things about myself that I wasn't ready to admit years ago.  I took on the motto "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" last January 2016 and I road that throughout the whole year.  This year 2017 I'm living outside of my comfort zone!  A new life has begun, and although I still have things from my past life that want to keep me in fear, I have friends who will keep me grounding, focus, and full of hope.  Therefore being able to realize that THAT fear no longer exists, is the best life I have to live while pushing through the emotional moments.

My take away is this, when you want more, more will be asked of you, so you'll have to dig deeper in order to push through.  Pushing through is an options, you just have to choose it!

The Mentalist

The Final Count Down!

Someone asked me why I felt like I had to be so strong.  Why I acted like I wasn't hurt when I was, or why was it so hard for me to be vulnerable.  When my innocents was taking away from me my vulnerability went with it, and my trust issues were created.   As long as I stayed strong I felt safe, secure and in control.  It was only when I felt vulnerable I felt uneasy.  Being vulnerable can bring on judgement by self and other's, and feeling exposed.  As a child I was sweet innocent and in love with life.  I saw no wrong, no color, and never thought bad of people.  I was a very happy kid, a loving kid, who dreamed a lot.  I dreamed of having a family three kids of my own and adopt three kids, a big house, loving husband, and a great job.  I wanted there to always be laughter in my home.  I laughed a lot.  I laughed so much I think I got on my parents nerves.  I laughed until the day my innocents was taken.  I blame that day on not being strong. I blame that day on all the insecurities I had hidden, all the pain I covered up.  I blame that day on God.  I was confused after that day.  I was hurt after that day, and I was angry after that day.  I developed mistrust, paranoia, and a unhealthy sense of control.  My control paralyzed me and didn't allow me to enjoy life to it's fullest.

At the beginning of this year I made a decision I was going to step outside my comfort zone so I could grow.  This I have done, and continue to do.  I will share something with you, I'm afraid to be vulnerable because I'm afraid of being taking advantage of again.  Few people have seen me so open, so vulnerable.  Now that I am in love I'm scared and I'm happy at the same time.  Now that I'm living I'm happy and I'm afraid, but It feels so great!  I love growing, changing, and winning small battles along the way.  My step backs have been my blessings!

My take away for today- Change your mind, thoughts, and patterns, you change your life.  Life begins at the end of your comfort zone!  You have choices stay in control, be vulnerable and make peace with your past, it's history!

xoxo The Mentalist  

That Deceitful Monkey!

WOW it's been a week since I've shared my thoughts!  A lot has gone on but I've pushed through it and feel good at facing yet another fear.  I've always been afraid of confrontation.  I dislike arguing and I dislike drama, but I always found myself in the middle of both a argument and some type of drama.  It would drain the mess out of me and I would turn inward.  I would internalize a lot, to the point where I became paralyzed, resentful, and angry.  I've come to realize that what I have tried to avoid is what contributes to what I don't want in my life.  One of the biggest lesson's I've learned is to confront your issues, concerns etc head on; That what we try to avoid is what we most attract.  I hear guys especially talk about how they don't "do drama" but yet they can be deceitful.  Deception brings on dishonesty, untruthfulness, and insecurities.  Deceitful people are disingenuous, which is why they expect everyone else to be the same way they are.  More importantly deception brings on drama but allows you to point the finger at someone else instead of looking at yourself.  Sneaky huh, yep it is, but that's the heart of deception.
This brings me to confrontation, what I've realized is that without meaning to when I wanted to confront a issue but didn't I was being deceitful, not on purpose but in reality my actions of "everything is ok" when really it wasn't was deceitful behavior which brought on the very thing I tried to avoid, drama, arguing, and hurt feelings.  For the first time in my life, I looked that deceitful monkey in it's face and confronted the issues on the table.  No drama, no arguing, but a resolution.  Good, bad, or indifferent once we confront the monkey on our back we then take charge and can let it go.  Although I can't control anyone else's deceptive ways I can control my own.  Some behaviors are done on purpose and others by nature of fight or flight, but all are rooted in the garden of deceit and will need to be uprooted in your own garden before trying to uproot in someone else's.

My take away is this: Before you look at someone else's deceitful ways, look at your own, we all have them.  Sometimes we don't mean to be deceitful but we are.  Look at what you are doing or what you have done to contribute to the situation of "deceitful drama."  What's has your contribution been? Then look at how you can correct/change this behavior,

Ask yourself  "How have I been deceitful to others?"

xoxoThe Mentalist

Outside the Zone!

There comes a point in life when you have to stop blaming other's for our downfalls and start thanking God for his mysterious plan.  God's plan isn't our plan, and as much as we would like to control his plan he puts us in our place every time we try.

In difficult times we come together and unite, set a plan of action, then implement that plan.  Ultimately we're doing his work, work that might not of been done had we not been taken outside our zone.

Comfort Zones paralyze us, and stunt our growth.  God knows this, and at times I believe he takes us outside the zone to help us grow.  I remember being taken outside of my comfort zone and being angry at first.  It was the most uncomfortable feeling, I felt vulnerable, and helpless.  It was while in the valley of vulnerability that I heard God's voice and his plan for my life.  It was during that time I was given my company's name, book ideas, plan of action, and the population I would serve.  It was also during that time I found my real strength and learned I could only control the energy I put in the world; I had no control of anyone elses.  I stop blaming others for my or the worlds failed mistakes and I learned that even in failure there's a victory!

Really, when you blame others for life's uncontrollable circumstances, what you're really are saying is it's your fault I'm growing, it's your fault I'm making changing, and it's your fault God is using my talents for his good!

My take away for today it this- when you are forced to step outside your comfort zone, embrace it cause it's all apart of God's perfect plan for our imperfect life! Be Vulnerable Be free!

xoxo The Mentalist

Joshua's Happy Song

Sunday I took my son to the movies to see Troll's.  It was so cute, funny, and had a great message about choosing to be happy.  Yesterday my nephew entered into a new chapter in his life, one that his mom has fought for, for a while.  My nephew started a new school, one that would help him improve his educational experience.  As he prepared to enter this new journey he set his own alarm clock, got himself dressed, woke my sister up, and was ready for his 6am bus without anyone's assistance.  Why is this so important you say, because prior to this change my nephew fought my sister to go to school, hated school, and had mentally and physically shut down.

The struggle was real, but this day HE CHOSE TO BE HAPPY!

This made me think of the movie Trolls, in it Poppy, the main character, talks about choosing to be happy and if you want to find happiness you have to look within.  Happiness is a feeling that we already have inside of us.  

How many times have you been in a miserable situation for so long that you've just mentally shut down?  Physically stopped trying?  We have to fight for our dreams, fight to improve the quality of our experiences, and fight to change, but first we have to identify the source of our unhappiness and take the steps to change it.  

We are the keeper of our own energy, our own happiness, our own breakthroughs, our own destiny.  You don't like it change it, you can't figure out how-ask, you don't trust anyone- look at your own behavior, you're mad-forgive, you're hurt-heal, you're in pain- take the band-aid off  and breathe again!  It all starts once you make up your mind.  Once the mind shuts down everything else follows.  So to change your environment you have to change your perspective then fight for what is already inside of you...HAPPINESS!

My take away- WE ALL HAVE CHOICES IN LIFE-CHOOSE HAPPINESS OVER EVERYTHING ELSE!

xoxo The Mentalist

Vitamin C for your Soul!

So the other day I went to get a facial.  She asked me what had I been doing to have so many breakouts....hummmmm stressing, growing, rebuilding, and practicing bad habits again.  We talked for a while then she started her treatments.  She shared with me she was putting a Vitamin C serum on under my face mask to help the healing process with the scare tissue.  As I laid on the table being pampered it got me thinking.....

No matter how many masks we wear to hide or cover up the scars, we ultimately need something to help us heal while wearing our masks. Our scars eventually show, through our hurt, pain, mistrust, and bad behavior.  Our scars become overwhelming at times because we can no longer hide them.  Our scars also show through our interactions with others.  Even as we wear our masks proudly we still need to start to apply a "SERUM" to heal.

As hard as I've worked to hide my scars I have worked equally as hard to heal them.  I actually think I've gotten to a place of healing.  I am happier today then I've ever been and, although the healing process can be lonely, my masks are being pealed away.  The glow is starting to show and the "fresh skin" is gleaming from within.  Some say I'm different and they're right I am, when God healed me he created a better version of ME!

It's not until we apply Vitamin C under our masks in preparation to take the mask off that we can start to create the best possible version of ourselves.

My take away- Change is never easy.... but you can work with it!  Create a version of you that includes all of you, put more life into yourself by healing even while still wearing your mask!

xoxo The Mentalist

The Power of Awareness

Are you aware of who's in your circle?  Are you aware of who you share your dreams with, your vision?   We struggle daily because of the energy we allow in our space.  I had to look at my own life and wonder why a time or two.  The answer was simple, because I allowed it...welcomed it, and feed it.  I allowed negative energy in my space because I cared too deeply, loved beyond expiration dates, valued them and their opinions too high, and absorbed their energy too long!  I once made their issues my issues, I placed people in seats they did not earn, because of my own insecurities!  I've decided that NO ONE gets a pass anymore, just because we've been friends for 80 years, family by blood or love, co-workers, team mates or folks that were just passing by.  Bad energy is bad energy!  You will sit on the row you have earned and I will love you from there!  My love wont change just your placement in my life. 

My take away....We are in control of the energy we allow in our space!

xoxo The Mentalist

Re-Branding Aint Easy!

Have you ever been on the treadmill and thought you wouldn't make it through the last minute of your workout?  Have you ever wanted to give up right before you finish?  Have you ever had to talk yourself through the last min?  Here it is you've been on the treadmill for 59 mins, pushed your way through the pain, sweat dripping down your face, legs about to give up burning from  the fire you've created with the intensity of your will to keep going only for your last min to seems like the longest min of your life! That's how change is I've realized.  The first 59 mins is the easy part it's the last min that counts....I've always wondered why!

I started this blog 7 years ago, and as I reread it, I realize how much PAIN I was in.  Over the past 7 years I've done a lot of work to rebuild, restore and regain a sense of self.  One may say "I cleaned house".  The end results have been a happy, more focused person who still faces challenges but now has the strength to get through these challenges.  I've also discovered why the last min is the most important min of your workout.  It's in the last min that you challenge your will, will to push through, will to face the pain square up in the face and not be bothered, will to dig deeper and know with out a shadow of a doubt you can get through this and make it to the victory line.  It's in that last min that you gain your power, your strength, your will to not care, your will to SUCCEED!  It's in that last min that you can see what you've been working so hard for; just if you finish.

This is my last min.  My emotional workout has been a rewarding journey cause in it I've unmasked my pain and found my story.  I challenge you to walk in your story and find your glory!  What will you do in the last min of your workout.....go harder or give up and quick before reaching the end!

My take away.... The Mentalist.  

Take Care

xoxo Necole

Acceptance

When it storms, the rain comes down hard.....it thunders, lightens even, tree branches break, sometimes even trees fall, large ones too. Then the storm starts to calm down, it continue to rain, but then it slows down, then it stops. The sun comes out, trees get greener, birds sing a new song, and your path seem a little clearer.


After you go through the hurt, the pain, the anger, and even the rage, you start to look at life for what it is; A Bowl of Experiences. If I hadn't gone through what I went through, would I still be the person I am today? If I hadn't experienced what I experienced, would I have learned that lesson anyway.

Trails come and trails may go, they enter into our lives to make us stronger. Where they lead us no one knows, but the path it takes us down leads us to this glorious crown.

There will always be bumps in the road called life. These bumps are a part of the process. I was once told to change the things I can change accept the things I can't and have the wisdom to know the difference. We can't change our past, so why dwell on it. We can't change other people, how they feel about us, what they say about us. Really it's none of our business anyway what they say, think, or how they feel. It's their feelings, they own that not us!

All we really have control over is our behavior, what we add to our relationships, and what we think, feel and say about others.

I've learned to accept my past, not make excuses for it. I wasn't a bad person, but my behavior was bad, and even though I may have been justified then, I am not now if I continue to behave that way. I have learned to accept who I was and who I am now.

Learn to be in the moment, and let go.

Life

LIfe isn't about waiting for the storm to pass....
It's about learning how to dance in the rain!

Pain

When you get a paper cut....it hurts, but you can't see the cut. Sometimes God turns our life upside down so we can live it right side up. During the upside down times, we experience this thing called pain. Pain is weird, it is the strongest point of emotion that creeps up on you, that you never see coming.

When I was a kid I was hurt, but that's not what turned me cold and bitter. It was the pain I felt. The pain creeped up on me slowly, and as time went on, it got stronger and stronger. The stronger it got the more I acted out. The more I acted out, the stronger I felt the pain....and then one day it stopped! It had come to a halt. I didn't know if I was happy or sad, anger, or mad. All I knew was I had to stand still.....and so I did.

Pain, had defind who I was, where I was going, and who I would let in. Pain had been my friend, and now I had to say goodbye to pain.



My Name unknown

My name unknown
I sit alone watching the dark clouds go by
I watch and watch thinking about the reason why?

Why he left, why he stayed, why things ended this way....but
my name unknown

My name unknown
I sit and soone
looking for the one who owns,
owns my heart, and owns my soul
own the things that I know.....
The one who will be there, the one who will care,
the one who laughs and the one who shares.
The one who will sit and chat with no lies
But my name, Unknown

My name unknown
I guess you know
I want so many things that are near and dear
close to my heart as you can see, that's where I want you to be.....

until then

MY NAME-UNKNOWN!

Nikki T.

Hurt

I was hurt, and the pain was unbearable. He had hurt me, I cried, I cried for help, no one came, no one was there. I laid there thought about it I knew I was alone. NO one came, NO one cared; but I got over it, I'm ok....right? or is that pain?

We as adults follow the same process, but only each stage is longer and we add additional steps. We get hurt by something (childhood memories, adult pain). We cry, get angry until the pain is unbearable, then we lay there think about what happened, how much we hurt, and we get angry again!

There's a secret hiding place that lies deep inside of us. No one knows how we get there, but once were there it takes a while to get out.



I sat down today

I sat down today not knowing what to do
where were my shoes, I had no clue

I sat down today, not knowing what to feel
was I hurt, is this pain, was this real......

I sat down today feeling kind of sad
never really wanted it to be this bad

I said good-bye to today
feeling real down

I was hurt, I was in pain, I was a shame of the fear.
I had been pushed, I had been pulled, I had been thrown around
I had lost my royal crown.

I sat down today feeling kind....what's that shame....pain, hurt, real

oh I know....I know what it is....

I felt it today....

Finally.......that moment is here!

Doubt

I do not trust you because I doubt you know best, have my best interest at heart, or know what you are doing. I fear what I don't know, so I doubt you again. The pain in my heart is too strong so I, now have a hard time believing you, I doubt you love me.........

and the list goes on.

Doubt is formed from fear, and fear is formed from distrust. Distrust becomes the distant cousin on the opposite side of honesty, faith, and love.

"I thought God left me, I didn't believe he loved me anymore. How could he had let this happen to me? He told me that if I put my trust in him, he would keep me, but instead he let him hurt me! NOW I hate life, I HATE me, I HATE the pain that's in my heart, the way I feel, the sadness, the darkness, I doubt I will ever get out of here."
insert from the book

Fairytales

He said it was going to last forever,
forever and a day,
that's what he said.
If I only had listen to him I would be happy today.
Only if I hadn't cried I would be saved.
Only if I had payed more attention to the outside world
only then, wouldn't I have still laid?

I regret the feelings inside
I regret the times I side
I regret the ignorance that I had inside the pain it lead if I hadn't died.....

But now I know what I know too late....

He said it was going to last forever,
forever and a day-that's what he said!

but it was nothing but a fairytale
nothing but a dream

until tomorrow until we meet again
until;

it will still be nothing but a fairytale!

by Nikki T.

Fear

We wonder, question, and look back. Why?

Why is it so hard to be real, and just enjoy the moment. I was once told that when the body's organs are not "100%" up to pare the body will try to protect it self by developing fat around the weak area as a protection. That's what we do with our hearts. We grow fat around our heart so we can protect it from the world. Depending on at which stage in life we are ready to loose the fat, will determine how far back we look, how much we wonder, and how many questions we ask.

I was once told to stop looking for acceptance from others. What that person didn't know, or understand, was that I didn't know how to stop. That was how I protected myself, my heart. I was once told to let go, and so I did.........

Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth

Truth

When I got on the train today, I thought about how many people were running late for work. Who would rush into work, and who would lie about what happened before they got to work. I started looking into the eyes of my train mates and started wondering. What is her story, what is his; and if I asked them, would they tell me the truth or would it be their embellished account of what happened.

We look at our lives and we pick apart all the things we did wrong. We look at what was done wrong to us, or we try to explain what our true measure of success is. Why?

Embellishment, makes us feel better. If our mate leaves us we tell a story, mainly to get us through the pain. If a parent decides to live a different life outside of us, or have a different lifestyle we will tell ourselves stories to get us through the pain.

We tell stories to get us through the pain, but are the stories real? Or are these stories a depiction of how we feel it should have happen; what should have been. Our stories get us the attention we desire, the love we need, and the ease we are looking for, for the pain in our heart to go away.

The Guy in the Glass

by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934

When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,

And the world makes you King for a day,

Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,

And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,

Who judgement upon you must pass.

The feller whose verdict counts most in your life

Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,

For he's with you clear up to the end,

And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test

If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,

And think you're a wonderful guy,

But the man in the glass says you're only a bum

If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,

And get pats on the back as you pass,

But your final reward will be heartaches and tears

If you've cheated the guy in the glass.

Honesty

The hardest thing do, is to stand in front of a mirror, naked, and like what you see!

The scariest thing to do, is to close your eyes and and fly blind.

Everyone remembers the day after, I remember the day before. I went to church that morning so excited because I was getting baptized. I had on a white robe, no shoes and a towel. I was told that when I entered into the water, the old person would stay there and the new one would emerge. They had won me over, I couldn't wait! By noon it was done, and by 1 we were on our way back home for Sunday dinner. Everyone was so happy for me, I was excited and I felt good about myself. I went to bed that night, with a smile on my face. I felt so close to God. So close I swore he kissed me that night. When I got up the next morning I looked for the prettiest skirt I had. I put it on with my best initial sweater; it was so cute it was cream with blue writing "NDT" with the T in the middle being the largest. I looked like the perfect Catholic school girl, even though by now I was in public school. I went to school, very different that day. I smiled all day, sat perfectly in my chair, listen to my instruction, and walked to my sitter's house with my friends. Life was perfect until the day after. It was the day after that changed my life forever. It was the day after that made me so mad at God, but more importantly, it was the day after that we split into two.
I question that day. I had always asked myself why, even though, no matter how bad it was, I didn't know didn't know if it change my life for good or for bad......all I know....it changed me!

insert from the upcoming book......
Nelson Mandela once quoted:
'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so
that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.'

Writing has been a life long dream of mine. I am birthing this baby!